Just Married

Teen comedy romance has turned sour of late. It's part of the post American Pie cynicism that flattens bobby sox innocence and curls its lip at the girl next door.

Just Married blusters its way through "for better or worse", like a pig through sewage. Sarah (Brittany Murphy) comes from a rich family, which means daddy is a racist snob and mummy tries to ease the tension by asking everyone to "call me Pussy." Tom (Ashton Kutcher) is a laid back, loose limbed type with a foreign name - "He's a Polak," Sarah's dad spits - and a deceptively gauche manner that disguises an instinct for selfishness.

They meet, have fun, decide to marry. It happens without disturbing a single brain cell. Her family is appalled and his friends try to knock sense into him before it's too late.

After it's too late, the newly weds go to Europe and behave like crass American honeymooners, insulting the locals and trashing expensive hotel rooms, ending up in Italy where everything falls to pieces.

The joke is marriage itself and the pathetic spectacle of two people at the opposite ends of an IQ test, expecting to have anything to say to each other after two weeks in the lap of luxury. For one reason or another, sex has been left on hold, which only adds to the catalogue of mishaps, indicating a level of humour attained by no-one outside The Adam Sandler School For Flatulence.

Sarah appears stupid, vain and shallow. Tom is nicer, but ignorant of the ways of the world. In Venice, all he wants to do is watch The Dodgers on TV in the Cafe America, for heaven's sake.

The film oozes bad taste like pus from a poultice. Murphy's rating in the Girls Most Likely for 2003 will surely plummet. She was an exciting prospect in the Michael Douglas movie, Don't Say A Word, but has shred sex appeal since and now emerges as yet another Meg Ryan wanabee.

Kutcher plays a radio weather reporter who mainlines on sports commentaries, leaving him devoid of interest. He has the looks and potential to be on Josh Hartnett's team. All he needs now is a half decent role in a big budget action pic. Or a better script than this.